How to Atone

The Great Heretic Don Imus has now apologized publicly, and also specifically and privately to those to whom his remarks were putatively addressed, and yet has received no absolution. In fact, a number of persons who have arrogated to themselves the right to speak for all persons offended have repeatedly "refused to accept Imus' apology."

Ignoring for the moment the presumptuousness of such claims, we are driven to inquire what might be considered sufficient atonement. Even at the height of the autos-da-fe of the Spanish Inquisition, the accused were afforded confession and absolution before the fires rose on their bodies.

My mind wanders backward, through the great weight of the dead generations, and I reflect on Becket, that "troublesome priest." Might we require Imus, a la Henry II, to don a hairshirt, sackcloth & ashes, and crawl from the Imus Ranch to Canterbury Cathedral, where he could beg forgiveness of ....The Offended Parties.

For those who find such suppliance excessively ceremonious and lacking true sincerity, Ruth Benedict's account of the New Mexican Penitentes may prove more satisfying:

"The Penitentes of New Mexico are the last surviving sect, in a far corner of the world, of the Flagellants of Mediæval Spain, and they have retained to the present day the Good Friday observances of identification with the crucified Saviour. The climax of the rite is the crucifixion of Christ, impersonated by one of the members of this cult. The procession emerges from the house of the Penitentes at dawn of Good Friday, the Christ staggering under the weight of the tremendous cross. Behind him are his brethren with bared backs, who lash themselves at every slow step with their great whips of bayonet cactus, to which are lashed barbs of the cholla. From a distance their backs look as if covered with a rich red cloth. The 'way' is about a mile and a half, and when they reach the end, the Christ is bound up on the cross and raised. If he, or one of the whippers, dies, his shoes are placed upon his doorstep, and no mourning is allowed for him."

- Ruth Benedict, Patterns of Culture, p. 90-91

While this expedient may seem excessive to some, I submit that it may address a number of issues:

1. Don Imus may actually volunteer for this, if people will agree to finally shut up about it. Besides, in its historical context it's very close to the Imus Ranch, so no extended commute is involved.

2. Given the blood, gore, and general excess, some satiation of the public prurient interest may be satisfied, and it would go away. On the other hand, it may simply turn into a series on Bravo.

3. If certain persons, a list starting with but certainly not limited to Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, would agree to fulfill the role of "-his brethren with bared backs, who lash themselves at every slow step with their great whips of bayonet cactus," I would agree to be Official Photographer and produce a commemorative photo album.